Just Keep Swimming...

Another picture? Really, Mom???

Roads go ever ever on,

   Over rock and under tree,

By caves where never sun has shone,

   By streams that never find the sea;

Over snow by winter sown.

   And through the merry flowers of June,

Over grass and over stone,

   And under mountains in the moon. {J.R.R. Tolkien}

I am not the hobbit that I was.

I haven't traveled a long road and challenged a dragon like Bilbo did, but I feel different, somehow.

View of the mealtime food line from the table
(And through a dirty camera lens...)

Maybe I'm just getting OLD. I feel a little like I've lost bits of my former self, all while adding new challenges that are refining and teaching me. I have chosen them-- they are good, important things. I have received a witness that it's my time, my turn, to take them on. Still, I feel like I've not only been thrown in the deep end of the pool, but I have a boat full of people that I am supposed to bring safely to shore with me: moms, dads, kids, youth, and ESPECIALLY my own family.

Happy Davy on a messy floor-- I never said he could crawl so soon!

First of all, having a baby this late in life is a whole new ballgame compared to my first ones. I feel like I have more patience, more appreciation for my sweet little ones, but I also have less energy. Thankfully, I have more help! But with that, there's a bitterness to the sweet things that come with babyhood. I know that it is so fleeting, so short.

I recognize that it's silly to cry about how he's growing and how fast he's learning, but I know too well that he will be gone tomorrow... practically. He is a precious, sweet gift that I am not anxious to let go of. But I know that he is here for that very purpose, to become his own person, to move on, to grow and accomplish all Father has in store for him.

Davy trying applesauce for the first time, thanks to big sister Bonny. Mmm!

Alright. Enough of that! A mother's heart can only take so much.

Not-a-baby-anymore Eryn and bigger sister, Avalon

In addition to motherhood, I am homeschooling, I direct my ward choir, I am making and organizing the costumes for our Spring Shakespeare play, and now I have taken on something BIG. (Because I'm not busy enough, obviously...)

I have taken the helm of an enormous vessel, called a Commonwealth School. It's not really a "school." It's a group of homeschooling parents who get together once a week for supplemental classes and I am their new leader.

Grayse Dawn turned 6 this month.

Luckily, I was inspired to accept the nomination, so I get to have the Lord's help with it all. But I am still drowning a bit while I remember what it's like to lead. I spent three years as a homeschool group president before resigning my position five years ago, and I'm hoping I have learned better what NOT to do, since I made plenty of mistakes the first time around.

Yeah. 

PRAY FOR ME.

Here are more pictures for the grandparentals. {SQUIRREL!}:

Brennan, on his way to rescue his "kidnapped" future prom date.
It was his creative way of asking her.
(Thanks for the Civil War jacket, Granna!)

Here are the accompanying siblings, one dressed as "Death, the kidnapper."

Ronan, Dierdre, and Gavin posing in a real Ford Model-T!
Ronan begged me to take him to a free car show, so we went in between conference sessions on Saturday.

Somehow, thanks to the Savior's love and help, we will make it through.

Hopefully, without drowning.

Love, Mama Rachel

Life Transitions

Change is in the air at our house.

Last night, my husband and I accompanied our 16 year old to get his patriarchal blessing. It was beautiful!

Then, we ran home and picked up our nineteen year old daughter and our 17 year old son, and transported ALL THREE of them to their mission preparation class.

After class, I took them to visit a friend who's leaving on his mission to Germany on Wednesday.

And the realization that those big three kids will all be gone in the next two years, hit me again, as it has so often in the last few months.

I raised them for this! I have worked from morning until night, day in and day out, only to send them out on their own, never to return back to childhood.

I just never expected that it would happen so fast.

The boys, in a rare, quiet moment.

Wasn't it only yesterday, that my boys, 13 months apart, were running around with mischief in their eyes and destruction in their wake?

Miss Morgie, age 1

Wasn't it only yesterday, that my eldest daughter begged me with her big eyes to understand what she needed and felt, without being required to speak?

I couldn't wait until they learned to calm down, get it together, figure it out, and grow up!!!

But then they did.

I still have lots of giggling and mischief and gobs of destruction going on at my house. There are still plenty of little ones, growing every day. I am so grateful for a "second chance" of sorts within my big family.

But, I wish...

I wish I had appreciated the JOY more with my first ones.

I wish I had been more patient. More loving. More... appreciative of my limited time with them.

I want them to go. I want them to try their wings and face the world with courage.

I WANT them to be the amazing adults they are becoming.

But I will miss them......

terribly.

L. to R.- Brennan (now 17), Bonny (14), Morganne (19), Lliam (16)
My soon-to-be Missionaries.

Times and Seasons

Sixteen Years Ago (With my family)

I've been all kinds of contemplative lately. It feels like our family is standing at the threshold of so many changes coming all too quickly.

See those babies in the photo above? The baby girl turns 19 years old just two days after Christmas this year. And she has decided to put in her mission papers.

Morganne at age 18

And the fuzzy-haired little boy can send in his mission papers at the end of March 2013.

Brennan at age 17

*sniff*

Yes, I am getting all kinds of emotional that I am "losing" my babies, one by one, starting NOW.

Where has the time gone? I could have sworn that the picture above was taken yesterday-- wasn't it?

Nope.

But I AM thankful that my babies are growing up to be such wonderful people. They amaze me! They are making really great choices, and are doing the things I've tried to raise them to do.

Now, if I can just get my brain in line to figure out how to be a mother of adults and babies at the same time...

Love, Mama Rachel

Slacking Off

I need to apologize-- I have been sooo neglectful of my blogs! But I always need to readjust after a new baby arrives, and now it's the Christmas season, and I have reached my quota of free picture space on Blogger (Hey, I've been blogging since 2006, ya know...) so that stopped me from updating, and... and...

Yeah, excuses, excuses!

So until I can delete some pictures (gasp!) or somehow figure out stupid Picasa (grumble-grumble), I won't be posting many updates.

I DO think I'll finally publish the draft of my birth story, however, even though it's not very thorough. Who wants to read too many details of a traumatic experience, anyway? Right?

Yeah.

Love you all!!!

Mama Rachel

While I'm Waiting...

"Be Not Afraid" by Greg Olsen

Three days have come and gone since my "due date,"and my emotions are ALL OVER the place! But thanks to a sweet husband, as well as our willing and able kids, the house is staying afloat, and I'm holding on to hope.

So far today, I've been listening to some hypnobirth recordings, finishing up some new job charts, (Specific checklists so the kids will know when their jobs really are "DONE.") playing on Facebook and Pinterest, and trying to process everything on this woman's blog.

Here's what I know:

• This baby WILL come. I just need to trust in the Lord's timing and do my best to be as prepared as I can be in the meantime.
• Nesting is a GIFT!
• I am far from perfect, my kids are far from perfect, and my home is far from perfect. But I'm still trying, and learning and growing.
• A lovely, tall glass of chocolate milk can make even this grumpy pregnant woman smile!
• Relaxing exercises and music can go a long way to soothe worries and anxiety.
• Even a small house can have plenty of room for lots of love in it.
• The Great Unknown exists only in my limited, human view. Our Heavenly Father knows everything we don't-- I can leave my worries in His almighty hands. (Thank goodness!)

Love, Mama Rachel

Nine Months

I'll be 36 weeks along on Monday.

The false labor is here and going strong-- my uterus is working hard already. It's really exhausting, and though I'm trying to stay positive, truthfully it's NO. FUN. AT. ALL.

I just need to begin my deep breathing. I CAN "endure to the end!" Yes...

I think I need to work on some sewing projects with a good movie or a book on CD. I have plenty of projects in my "to sew" box; now I just need a dash or two (or five) of motivation to work on them.

Or maybe I'll just take a nap...

Love, Mama Rachel

The Craziness that is Moi

Image by my lovely friend, Misty.

Just FYI, I do know I'm crazy...

For example:

• I chose to travel 16 hours each way when 8 months pregnant.
• I decided that packing two family reunions in two different states and a high school reunion in the course of a week would be the most efficient thing to do EVER.
• I volunteered to make a slide show for the above mentioned 20th class reunion and it ended up being over 30 minutes long.
• I chose the crazy last week to allow sugar back in my diet after being off of it for an entire year. The heartburn alone is enough to make this crazy pregnant woman think twice-- for once!
• I still have the second semester of my Shakespeare booklet to finish by next Saturday, the 18th-- and I haven't looked at it in over a week.
• I have a Shakespeare teacher training scheduled for the 18th-- hence the need for the booklets to be FINISHED.
• There is a multitude of sewing I was supposed to finish while I was at my mom's. And I didn't. But considering they're maternity clothes and I only have 2 months left in my pregnancy, perhaps they should be sewn sooner rather than later?
• I still have suitcases to unload, clothes to put away, laundry to do, and floors to mop.

So wouldn't right now be a good time to revamp our chore chart, or move around some furniture???

Of course it's a good time!!!

Because I'm CRAZY...

Love,

Mama Rachel

What now?

Life has slowed down significantly since the play ended.

Ahhhh...

I am finally starting to heal, thanks to the rest I'm getting. My ear infections are slowly going away, and I'm almost able to talk like a normal person! (almost...)

"On the other hand," (I just can't help quoting Tevye here!) I'm feeling a bit like a lazy slug.

There's lots of housework to be done, but I'm going to do it little bit by little bit. It's marvelous to NOT be in a hurry!

Yesterday, I was really feeling "the-show-is-over-depression."  I wasn't really thinking about the show, I was just feeling like a failure. My kids missed "Mormon Prom" on Saturday night due to the show, my Morganne will not be graduating from Seminary due to my choice to not send them last year (Home Study does not count, in our case),  and my normally happy time on Pinterest just resulted in making me feel that I could never measure up.

So I pulled myself together and sat down to read some good stuff and make some lists of "what next." ("Large Family Logistics," "A Leadership Education" and "Love of Learning".)

Funny how little things like that can bring much relief!

Washing, drying, and folding a few loads of laundry helped, too. (I can almost see a dent in the laundry room!)

I'm making plans for our homeschool this summer, and thinking about paint colors and all the sewing projects I can now enjoy.

I really should MOP first, though...

:-)

In Which We Are Sick

"Breakfast in Bed" by Mary Cassatt

I've been sick for a week now, a few of the sick kids in our family have recovered, my tiny girls have fevers, and HALF of my cast-- including our Tevye, Golde, my Lliam, and Lazar Wolf-- are not able to talk or sing at present.

Did I mention the show opens on THIS Friday?

I was able to speak at the Forum this past weekend, but only just. I think at least one of my recordings will be unusable. :-p (Darn coughing fit!)

I sit here hardly able to breathe, my throat feeling like I've swallowed shards of glass.

We need a miracle.

And since I know the power of prayer and have experienced first hand the awesome effect that faithful friends can have, I humbly ask any who can to please send up a little prayer or two...

THE SHOW MUST GO ON!!!

Love,
Rachel

Thou Shalt Not Covet

My dream house-- sorta.

SIGH.

Okay, I am trying not to act like a spoiled baby. (I really AM trying!)


Because...


Though we live in a small home, it's in an ideal location. I love our ward, our neighborhood, and our reasonable rent payments. We have an awesome landlord! What more could a girl want?!

Hence the sigh...

I feel like I'm being ungrateful.

BUT

I want to own a home again. And I want it to have more than just a "yard." I want a bit of space-- not much! Just at least half an acre, which is prime real estate 'round these parts.

And I feel like our family of thirteen-- soon to be fourteen-- really could use a house that has more than 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. (The bathroom issue is getting a bit out of hand.)

So I look. I admit it. I LOOK.

On Craig's List. On various real estate websites. I take detours in more rural-type neighborhoods, especially ones in former ward boundaries.

So silly me found an empty lot today that would be perfect! It's got everything I want. Citrus AND pecan trees. TWO WHOLE ACRES. In the boundaries of an old ward. (Did I mention I'd love to build just the house we need?) And the price is even reasonable!!!

The Lot

BUT.

The grown-up in me (yes, there's one in there, somewhere) says:

"Hello?! You don't have a down-payment."

"Your credit isn't fixed, yet. You can't get a loan."

"Even if you could purchase the land, are you really wanting to live in a tent this summer? Or are you really thinking you can pay monthly for land you want to build on in the future, while staying in your rental until you CAN get a loan to build? Even if you could find a way to buy this without a loan?"

And then I slap myself, take a deep breath, and go back to life.

Someday feels so far away!


Okay, my baby fit is now over. I'll move on.

But I think I'll partake of a little something in my sugar-free chocolate stash first.


(Thanks for joining me in my little pity party. If you come back, I promise not to whine again for a long time. At least not here... )


Love,
~Whiny Me

Attempting to Take It All In Stride-- and Failing

I grew up in this Frozen Wasteland that some call "Idaho." I know what -27 below days feel like. I spent the bulk of my childhood wishing I lived somewhere else, and yet-- at age 35, with ten kids, and a house that has no working heater-- I am baaaack.


Why? Every day I ask myself "Why?" And every day the answer seems more distant and less accessible.

After living seven glorious years in the warm Arizona sun, I am freezing to death in mere 35 degree weather and rain.

Did I miss the memo that winter arrives here at the end of September?

Just checking.

Random Rachel Random-ness

I think the word "random" is my new favorite for this quarter. I have started over-using it in my conversations, and as I went to type in the title of this post, I found that there was a long list of posts beginning with the word "random." Food for thought.

In other news, we are moving-- again.

Ha-ha.

Yes, I know the thought is mind-boggling.

Why are we moving again? Some days I pretend that I forgot why and whine a whole lot. Other days, I spend the entire 24 hours allotted me with my teeth clenched. (Maybe that's why I had a headache yesterday. Hmmm...) And today, I've thrown all worrying to the wind, and have peace in my soul. And a song in my heart, of course.

We are moving because God said we should. That's it.

Oh, I could ramble on about how we will be closer to family. How it's cheaper to live up there. How much I have missed being part of the drama that exists in family politics. (I was just kidding on that last one.) But none of those could actually get me to move out of this place I love.

But God can. And boy, He is.

What's surprising to me, is how okay I'm feeling about it all now. Don't get me wrong-- initially I went through all the phases of grief. Denial. Sadness. Anger. Temper tantrums. Extra-helpings of dessert. You know what I mean.

Then, I got a blessing or two. And I went to the temple. And though the circumstances that truly merit my freaking out about this whole "issue" were still there, I could smile and say, "It's okay. It will all work out."

Some days, I'm such a stubborn pain in the neck, I don't know why the Lord Above puts up with me. What's amazing is that He does-- AND that He still loves me; kicking and screaming and all.

God loves you, too.

That may also be a "random" thing for me to say, but it's the honest-to-goodness truth.