Stepping into the Dark...

Have you ever been told by the Spirit to do something that makes no sense, but that you know is right? I have before, and I'm going through that again right now...

As background, I am ready to deliver Baby #10 any day now. I have had 13 pregnancies-- 3 miscarriages and 9 (soon-to-be-10) babies. My first SIX births were inductions in hospitals, two all-natural, four with epidurals. I had been told that I would never be able to go into labor on my own, and that I was lucky I didn't live in "olden times" or I would surely be dead. Hmmm.

So, with baby number 7, I decided to do an unassisted home birth. Ha! Everybody around me freaked out, (except my husband, luckily.) but I had confirmation from the Spirit that it was the right thing to do, so I studied, made plans, and got ready for the birth.

We ended up having an "angel"* help us out on the morning of my son's birth, and I delivered a 7lb. 6oz. healthy, beautiful baby boy on my own bed, in my own room, at my own home. It was BLISS! No poking or prodding, no demands from anyone. It was the most peaceful, sacred feeling in the world to have all my children around me gazing at the new little stranger in my arms, within the walls of our home-haven. I had been able to do the "impossible," thanks to following the promptings I received. God had been my deliverer, and I was truly grateful.

*(Our "angel" was a retired midwife who was the sister of our neighbor across the street. To make a long story short, my neighbor found out we were going unassisted, and got her sister to act as a back-up for us in case we needed or wanted her.)

When baby #8 decided to make her debut, I found a midwife I really clicked with, and had an AMAZING first water birth in my home. It was fast, intense, and nearly-perfect. I can't think of one thing I would have changed in the least. I was 100% sold on water births, and knew I never ever wanted to go back to "dry land."

Baby #9 was a very emotional pregnancy for me. I felt directed again by the Spirit to use a different midwife, a lovely lady in my ward who had also been prompted by the Spirit that she was to be my midwife. It was a roller-coaster of a ride, but in the end, the birth went beautifully, even though it was long, and more difficult than my last. I again delivered in water, and the baby was a whopping 9lbs. 2oz.-- a full pound bigger than my biggest to that date! The midwife and I felt that the baby and I had been in the hands of the Lord, especially there at the end. The placenta plopped out almost on top of the baby, and the cord was almost immediately limp and cold. One side of it looked strange, as if it had died or were dying. We don't know much of anything that really happened, but we all felt we had been part of some unexplainable miracle. Baby was perfect and healthy in every way, and we were so grateful!

This pregnancy has also had its share of ups and downs. I've found that the more over 30 I get, the harder it is to be pregnant. My children are getting older, and I'm feeling that they need my attention-- my birthing days may well be over. That makes me quite sad, and yet relieved, at the same time. I'm trying to do what the Lord wants me to do. He's leading me along, but only giving me as much as I can handle at a time.

Which brings me to today. Two days ago, in the wee small hours of the morning, I couldn't sleep. The Spirit was telling me to "fire" my midwife. She's the wonderful midwife I used with baby #8, and we really "click" and understand each other-- how on earth could I let her go! I'M 38 WEEKS PREGNANT!!! But when I got up, after catching a few more Zzzz's, I knew I had to do it. She would be coming over to my home for an appointment that morning, and I needed to take care of it then. I knew I needed to tell her face to face, to be honest and upfront with her. It was not fun. I mean, I've never even broken up with anyone, much less "fired" somebody!!! There were tears shed by us both, but I knew, deep inside that it was the right thing.

So, NOW WHAT?! The Lord, again, is only giving me little bits at a time here, and asking me to trust in Him again, just as I did when I decided to have an unassisted birth. But this time, the answer was even harder to take.

I'm going back to the hospital for baby #10. I don't know why, I don't know what's going to happen, but I have been reassured through the Spirit, and through blessings, that this baby will be healthy, that all will be well, but that I need to sacrifice my desires and follow Father's plan for this birth. To say I'm not devastated would be a fib. I don't want to give up the liberty and privacy that my home births have given me. I LIKE being the one who says what I will and will not do. I appreciate the hands-off, gentle manner of my midwives.

Giving up the dream of homebirth is a huge sacrifice for me, but I AM willing to do it, because the Lord has asked me to. I must put this experience into His capable, omnipotent hands, and trust that everything will turn out for the best. It's funny, where homebirth scares so many, because I feel the same about going back to the hospital. It is a cold, too-sterile, diseased, hazardous place in which to welcome a newborn, but if the Lord can protect me at home, He can certainly protect me in the hospital, as well.

I hope it's not too much to ask for prayers during these last few weeks. This experience is making me turn to all my deep stores of faith, and I would appreciate any spare prayers my dear family and friends can give me, too. I love you all, and can't wait to introduce this new little angel to you all when she arrives.

I KNOW that when we follow the Lord's plans for our lives, even if those plans lead us into the unknown dark, that we will be strengthened and given the power needed to face what is ahead. We CAN do hard things-- with the Lord's help. I testify of this in the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.