Shtuff

My Russell's tomatoes

Hello out there!!!

Yes, it's been a while. The Shakespeare play coincided with our van dying, Mormon PROM, gardening, trying to get missionary stuff done, and now a move.

YES. We are moving!!!

Not too far, but to a new stake and ward and neighborhood. In fact, we are moving into a BIGGER house with a basement (a rarity here in AZ!) in the neighborhood where we meet with our homeschool group each week. YAY!!!

But we have to move out of our awesome ward and out of our awesome landlord's house. BOO!

In the end the lure of another bathroom, the basement, and less driving for us each week won us over.

Let the packing commence!!!

Nineteen and ready to serve!

In other news, our beautiful oldest daughter was evaluated and officially diagnosed with Autism. And as a result, our bishop and stake president decided that a service mission would be best for her. After discussion, prayer, and asking for permission, she will be serving in the little town I grew up in while living with my parents. Isn't that so cool?! She gets to have some time to just be a missionary, almost on her own, and my mom gets a cute and sweet roommate. She will be serving in the Humanitarian center in I.F. with my aunt and uncle, as well as my mom and Grandma. She'll be close to Russell's family, and can see them often. Win all around!!!

Isn't Heavenly Father so smart?!

Okay, now for some pictures from Mormon Prom! (I'll add Shakespeare play pictures soon.)

Brennan and Valarie

Lliam and Lizzie (Yes, they went "Steam Punk")

Be back soon with pictures from the play!

Love,

Mama Rachel

On Asperger Syndrome: Morganne's History Part 2

Morganne at 18 Months Old in 1995

To understand this post, please go back and read Part 1 of Morganne's story.

She's BACK!
I didn't understand the how or the why, but I did know that our Morganne was back! It was like she was a princess in a fairy tale who had woken up from an evil spell. She still didn't like being pressured, and still had some catching up to do on her speech, but she was suddenly much more aware of the rest of us-- she played more with her brothers, she could look us in the eyes, she began speaking again.

Not long after her vaccinations at age 2.  (Early 1996)
Notice the food in her hand to get her to stay put. And the wary look she has.

I was humbled, though still perplexed at where our girl had been all this time. The only thing I knew about autism was from movies like "Rain Man." And that was not anything like what we'd been going through. I NEVER considered that might be the problem.

I had never heard the term "Asperger Syndrome." We simply moved forward, relieved and ecstatic for things to calm down and be "normal." I was in awe at the hope I now held for my little girl.

Photo with my family before my brother left to serve his mission. (1996)
Russell had to hold Morganne down-- she was not happy.

Lliam was 3 months old here.  (1996)
Morganne was happy because the photographer gave her a fist full of Smarties.

Meanwhile, I was expecting baby #4-- our Miss Bonny. Morganne was very excited for a baby sister! When she came to the hospital with her Daddy and brothers, she exclaimed "Just like Lliam!!!" I was astounded that she was connecting the past when she had hardly seemed to notice or care when Lliam was born. This new excitement and recognition was miraculous!

At this exact moment, Morganne was telling me "Just like Lliam!"

When Russell brought me home from the hospital, Morganne rushed out the door and pulled my bag from the car. SHE was the big sister! She did all she could to help her mama, and loved Miss Bonny so much.

Our Family in early 1999
(See that smile on Miss Morganne? That's the real deal!)

Time passed, and one day my Aunt Ann came to visit us in Provo from Arizona. As she left, she gave me a newspaper clipping that she'd cut out of her local paper. She said that the article reminded her a bit of Morganne. I thanked her brusquely, thinking, "Nothing's wrong with Morganne, NOW. But that's nice. I'll read it sometime." 

Later, I took advantage of a quiet moment after all the kids were in bed to read the article. It was about children with autism. The more I read, the more my heart pounded-- the behaviors were so familiar. The article was describing the "old Morganne" that had disappeared.

Autism.

The Internet was catching hold, and so I read online all I could on the subject. As I found out about the possible link between vaccinations and the disease, I was wracked with guilt, sobbing uncontrollably. 

Could I have done that to my baby? 

I really didn't know for sure. All I knew was that she was a different child overnight just after she turned 2 years old, right after she received her shots.

The "how" of her autism was never clear, but I was so relieved to know that none of us had imagined her difficulty. And that we were not the only family in the world who had dealt with a child changing overnight.

Morganne getting baptized at age 8 (Early 2002)

Life with Asperger's

The years rolled on, and Morganne continued to progress. But she never was the same as other kids her age. In some things, she was far beyond them. For example, she taught herself to read. She also had perfect audio recall-- she could memorize everything she heard. Her memory was astounding, too. She could remember details and events none of us had noticed or recalled.

She still could not handle being pressured in any way-- especially socially. She attended Primary at church, and loved to be around others, but she could not handle the glare of the spotlight-- any pressure to perform in front of a crowd melted her into tears. I learned more about Asperger's and about the WIDE spectrum of autism. It helped me to be more patient with her and her struggles. And it helped to share her condition with her teachers and leaders at church, all of whom were loving and supportive of Morganne and our family.

I remember when she gave her FIRST talk in Primary. She was ten years old, and was part of a class of very sweet girls who loved her fiercely. They cheered her on, smiling and encouraging her through every word. When she sat back down, her class all squealed with delight, exclaiming "Good job, Morganne!" She grinned from ear to ear, and I was so grateful! Morganne had conquered a great fear! And it was because of the love and acceptance she felt from the girls in her class.

Morganne on her 11th birthday

Sometimes, Morganne could not find the right words to say, so she would just look deeply into my eyes, willing me to understand what she needed, how she felt. This is still something she does today-- words are so elusive for her to express! But I have never had a problem understanding what her eyes are saying. Her soul speaks louder than words ever could.

Morganne also has trouble reading out loud in front of anyone-- even her family. She stutters her words; those pesky words! BUT, she can memorize ANYTHING! And when she recites what she memorizes, she does not stutter in the least!!!

Shakespeare Magic

Morganne in her first role as Olivia's maid in "Twelfth Night"

A couple years ago, we put on Shakespeare's A Midummer Night's Dream with our local homeschool group. After the auditions, I was casting the show, trying to decide between Morganne and another girl for a lead role.

I was so torn-- Morganne had stuttered a lot during her reading at the audition, but I knew what she was capable of from her tiny role the year before. (She had not only memorized her own lines, but everyone else's in the show!) 

A part of me was afraid that some of the kids or parents in the group would think I was favoring my child over someone else. It was extremely hard to know what to do. But as I prayed for guidance, the Holy Spirit very clearly told me that Morganne needed and deserved the part! So I cast her as Hermia, one of the four lovers in the show.

She did a PHENOMENAL job! She never stuttered one word. She had every line and every entrance memorized and perfected. Her leaders and friends, both from class and from our ward congregation were astounded when they saw her perform! It was another miracle, a huge blessing for us all.

Morganne as Hermia, with her Lysander

All Grown Up

Over the years, I have learned so much from Morganne! I am a VERY verbal person, and so I have not always been as patient or understanding as I could or should have been of Morganne and her needs. But she continues to be patient with me and my limitations.

Morganne still hates to be pressured into anything she is not ready for. And we have all learned to respect and honor who she is, without trying to get her to be anything other than Miss Morganne. She has a very calming, quiet spirit about her. She is patient and quiet, loving and tolerant. She loves to cook, to read, and to write in her journal every night. She wants nothing more out of life than to be a wife and mother.

She knows the scriptures better than anyone I have ever known-- she still has an incredible mastery of memorizing. If we need a scripture reference, or need to be reminded about what someone said or did in the past, we just go to Morganne and she can tell us exactly what we need to know.

Morganne loves to be HOME, surrounded by those who love and understand her. And she loves to be around her peers, though she doesn't say much, or really knows how to be an intimate friend with someone. But that does not bother her-- she loves everyone she comes in contact with.

And we love her, oh, so much. I am so grateful and humbled that I get to be her mother!

So while Morganne will not be marching down an aisle with a cap and gown this spring, and will not be leaving us to attend college any time soon, she is doing exactly what the Lord has in mind for her today.

And I am so very proud.

(I love you, Miss Morgie!)

Love,
Mom

On Asperger Syndrome: Morganne's History Part 1

Morganne before showtime

Because I've never shared Morganne's history on my blog, I'd like to record it here, both for my readers and for posterity. She is eighteen, and would be graduating high school this year, had we done things in the typical way. But then, Morganne is not a typical senior. 

I am not recording this history to start a debate or to blame anyone but myself. I am simply trying to record my life's experiences with Morganne and write down her history for her and for our family. Please do not read more into my telling than I am trying to say. I am simply writing these experiences down as I remember them. If what I have to say offends, please forgive me and move on to read something else. Thank you! 


To understand more about Asperger's and autism, see this link. 

Like other mothers, I have learned much more than I ever could have imagined from my children. I seemed to get immediate lessons in patience, thanks to my sweet and special daughter, Morganne.

Sweet Baby Morganne

Life Before Autism

When Morganne was a baby, she was loving and responsive. She was a bright little one, curious and full of energy-- like most babies. She spoke at an early age and was using full sentences at about eighteen months old. She loved her little brother when he arrived and was always very concerned about "the bebe," dragging me in to check on Brennan whenever she heard him make a noise while sleeping. She was never jealous-- not even for one moment. She was a protective big sister, and was already showing lots of motherly intuition at her very young age.

She also never had temper tantrums-- she was so laid-back and patient. Sometimes, she was so content to be playing or watching movies, that she would not tell me she was hungry, and I would feed her too late. (I was a young, first-time mom-- silly and clueless!)

When Brennan was about 3 months old, we decided to move back to Idaho to be near family. For quite a few months, we stayed with my parents in their home. It was a pretty stressful time for all of us. Soon, Morganne turned two, and out of concern for her health, my mom suggested that she should go and get her vaccinations caught up. (She had received her shots on schedule when she was tiny, but I had not taken her for some time.)

We packed up little Morganne and tiny Brennan in the car and headed to our local health clinic. Something that day kept bugging me-- I couldn't explain why I was so reluctant to get Morganne her shots. I justified it as not wanting to see her in brief pain, not wishing to make her cry. And then I told myself to quit being a baby-- that getting her shots was the way to be a "good" mother. As I look back now, I can still feel the sick drop my stomach took as we waited for Morganne's turn. How I wish I could go back now, and march my little ones back out the door...

The look of distrust and betrayal on Morganne's face when she was stuck will forever remain with me, but even more clearly will I remember her screams of terror when they took Brennan back for his shots.

"NOT THE BABY!!!" she screamed. "NOT THE BABY!!!"

She threw herself uncontrollably, trying to get to the baby to stop us from taking him back. It was so unlike her, so heartbreaking. I didn't know what to do, except to continue. After all, I was being a "good" mom!!! She just didn't understand.

Later, I would find that it was me who did not understand.


A Changed Child


Almost immediately, Morganne became a different child. Because her trip to clinic coincided so closely to her two year old birthday, we all blamed "the terrible twos" on her erratic behavior.

For the first time in her life, she was throwing temper tantrums-- for HOURS every day. And she was not just screaming and crying, she was banging her head on the floor and flailing herself out of our arms and into walls. She could not calm down, and would scream herself to exhaustion.

Russell and I and my parents were overwhelmed, but again, she was two now! This was just what two-year-olds did, right? She was our first-- we had nothing to compare her to. She must just be a difficult toddler!

An interesting side story is that she had been entered into a drawing at the clinic for a t-shirt with a logo about "remember to vaccinate" or something like that. She WON. And when we gave her the shirt, she became enraged, kicking it, screaming, trying to get it as far away from her as possible. She hated it, reacting the same if ever I brought it out again. Finally, I simply threw it away.

But there were lots of clues that things weren't right. Her speech stopped almost immediately. She no longer used words, she only screamed. She stopped wanting to be snuggled. The smallest things would set her off screaming uncontrollably-- she was frustrated by anything and everything.

Our little family just after Lliam's birth, just 13 months after Brennan's

Morganne no longer responded to anyone when they spoke to her. She played by herself, and ignored Brennan completely. Going to Nursery, which she had loved before, was an impossibility. She would react by screaming and flailing her body when we even walked down the hall.

Just before Lliam was born, Russell and I were called into the Nursery, where we stayed with our three kids for over a year. She would go and play on her own, never interacting with anyone-- not even Russell and I. But she would not scream as long as we were there.

Morganne continued in the same state for years. We always expected and hoped she would get better, grow out of her irrational behaviors, but she never did. Any social pressure-- especially things like getting her pictures taken-- would dissolve her into a fit. We all walked on pins and needles around her, avoiding anything that would set her off.

Many family members came to me, asking if I was concerned. YES! I was worried. I knew that something was wrong, but I didn't know what to do! I started to wonder if she couldn't hear, so I tried all kinds of tests to see if it was her hearing that was "off." It wasn't-- she could hear just fine.

But she wouldn't look me in the eyes, she would never say "I love you." She would rarely smile, and when she did, it was to a void, to where no one one standing. She seemed to live in her own little world and we simply could not reach her, wherever she was.


I felt as though I had forever lost my daughter and all she could have been. I mourned, but didn't know what else to do, or where to turn for help. I had never heard nor seen of anything that gave me any clues about what to do next. So I did nothing but hope and wait and pray.

In the meantime, we were busy parents of little ones, while Russell going to school and I was trying to figure out how to be a homemaker and mother of babies that we felt prompted to bring into our family circle. I was overwhelmed by Morganne's problems and so I would not, could not, face them at the time. We were just struggling to get by.



A Glimmer of Hope

By this time, we were living in Provo, Utah. Russell was finally starting to work full time at a job that was supporting us better than before. I was pregnant with baby #4, and Lliam was talking a mile a second! He knew all his colors at age two, and was a bright and curious busy guy. One day, when he and I were having a funny conversation, I turned to see Morganne watching us, with pain in her eyes and frustration in her face. I could tell that she wondered why the baby could talk, but she, who was now five, could say so very little. That little glimmer I saw of her old self gave me hope.

My heart ached. She WAS in there, somewhere. How could I reach her? What should I do???

Finally, I screwed up my courage, and gathered up all my determination. I didn't know how to help my daughter, but I knew that God did. And I was willing to use every ounce of my faith to get her well!!!

I got on my knees and poured my heart out in the fiercest prayer I have have ever said, before or since. I pleaded with God to make my daughter well-- to let her come out of the fog she was in. I told the Lord that I was willing to give every bit of faith in my soul to work to free her from her bondage. I felt I was paying a price, making a deal. For an instant, I had seen my real daughter, and I wanted her back, oh, so much!

The Lord answered my prayer with force. I had to show him my resolve and use all my faith in her behalf. I was to ask my husband to give her a Priesthood blessing, and I was to devote all my faith into believing that she could be healed.

I was to expect a miracle.

So I tearfully explained it all to Russell. He retreated to our room to pray, and I did everything I could to believe, to remove all doubt and trepidation from my mind. I prayed mightily every instant that I waited. I KNEW God had the power to do this great thing. Now it was my turn to give God all the faith-- even if it was just a little mustard seed-- that I had.

Russell came out from praying. Morganne was strangely calm as Russell explained to her about what he was about to do. She listened, never looking at our faces, but her peaceful demeanor led us to believe she understood, somehow. She obediently sat in a chair and held perfectly still as Russell placed his hands on her head.

I don't remember much of the blessing, but I do remember that she was told that "The dark cloud would slowly be removed from her mind." It was the perfect description of her condition.

As the blessing ended, I held my breath. Morganne raised her bowed head and looked at her Daddy.

Then she came to me.

Looked me directly in the eyes.

And smiled.

Love,
Rachel